It has been a pleasure.
Jumat, 05 Januari 2018
In that sad, asphalt-floored, drowning-when-it-rained, school I did not learn anything but wander
The hell am I doing here? But I was unwilling to go home
For what I will find be only shoutings, arguments, hand slaps, more arguments, child-shaming, absent mother, and an old house that is not a home
When my closest boy-friend turned the whole class against me, I sat there, unable to judge his betrayal as nobody was on my side, withstanding the fact that I was the laughing stock of the class.
And when the teachers saw, yet did nothing, I sat there in my silent frustration, thinking "Are adults really this ignorant? Is this what I will have to become? A dumbass?"
And so I was filled with hatred, my grades worsened and when tragedy hit my family, he did not stop, stakes put way up high
And when nature took my mother, I sat there with masked laughter to cover for my silent cry
And that is when everyone suddenly gave a shit. And then they don't.
They tried to matchmake my father after only 2 weeks of mourning, his number was known to whichever thirsty hoe whose names I don't remember.
He strutted in hospitals, calling himself the "cool widow" after 3 months of losing his love, with female nurses admiring him so ever.
And he married a woman only after 6 months of knowing her.
And she expected me to call her "mother".
Don't lose to rage, I often tell myself
Patient's my spiritual epitome to feed for my turbulent under, I say unto self
And here I am, full of burning spite. Hatred piling unresolved, a result of an improper way of channelling my absent anger.
Blinded by rage.
Jumat, 08 Desember 2017
I abandoned all of my current lectures to take care of this one fucking subject and still got an average score. I worked day and fucking night, ignoring my family's texts and all else that was going on for this fucking resit I made a priority. I worked on fucking weekends, overdosed on coffee, while all else are going on.
Am I that stupid that my results never equate to my efforts?
Kamis, 07 Desember 2017
Jumat, 01 Desember 2017
Last Tuesday, I ran onto a glass door and hit my forehead hard after frantically slashing my wrist in midst of a nervous breakdown in the library toilet. What the fuck is wrong with me...
So I cycled in major fatigue, a car almost ran me over (not that I minded at that moment), and sucked it all in. But when I got into my room, I was like possessed, I was physically immovable with tears flowing down and I had a dreadful moment of not feeling the presence of my own body. This had happened too when I was still in the dorm, in which I started to hear my inexistent roommate's voice speaking to me a few minutes later and I was scared shitless (the reason why I went to therapy actually). I contacted the crisis chat, it took me three hours for me to actually physically move and being finally aware of my own body. I accidentally told my friend I have a mental condition, but fortunately, he seemed to be very understanding.
The next day, I zapped my brain again. After that, I feel productive and giggly but I could still sense the lowness at the back of my head. One fucking mistake in my perfect, productive schedule, and I'll be back spiralling down again.
I'm fucking scared. Am I that weak to handle the world that I can't even cope with daily hassles without having a mental breakdown?
I fucking hate how my mind works. I fucking hate that this feeling gives me loss of control. I fucking hate myself.
Selasa, 28 November 2017
He has cancer
She has cancer
They all have cancer
Everybody has cancer!
She is suicidal
He is also suicidal
They all are suicidal!
Everybody is going to die,
Everyone close to me will die, ahahaha
And so will I.
Senin, 27 November 2017
He said "the morning is such a malaise
And the short day is getting colder.
You have to wear a scarf if you don't want a lung disease
And also thermal undies to avoid infection in your bladder."
I like how he lowkey parents me.
If I ever had a Dutch grandpa in another life, it'd have been him.
And he's gonna die. Shit.