Thank you for taking the time for reading this blog.
It has been a pleasure.
I abandoned all of my current lectures to take care of this one fucking subject and still got an average score. I worked day and fucking night, ignoring my family's texts and all else that was going on for this fucking resit I made a priority. I worked on fucking weekends, overdosed on coffee, while all else are going on.
Am I that stupid that my results never equate to my efforts?
Last Tuesday, I ran onto a glass door and hit my forehead hard after frantically slashing my wrist in midst of a nervous breakdown in the library toilet. What the fuck is wrong with me...
So I cycled in major fatigue, a car almost ran me over (not that I minded at that moment), and sucked it all in. But when I got into my room, I was like possessed, I was physically immovable with tears flowing down and I had a dreadful moment of not feeling the presence of my own body. This had happened too when I was still in the dorm, in which I started to hear my inexistent roommate's voice speaking to me a few minutes later and I was scared shitless (the reason why I went to therapy actually). I contacted the crisis chat, it took me three hours for me to actually physically move and being finally aware of my own body. I accidentally told my friend I have a mental condition, but fortunately, he seemed to be very understanding.
The next day, I zapped my brain again. After that, I feel productive and giggly but I could still sense the lowness at the back of my head. One fucking mistake in my perfect, productive schedule, and I'll be back spiralling down again.
I'm fucking scared. Am I that weak to handle the world that I can't even cope with daily hassles without having a mental breakdown?
I fucking hate how my mind works. I fucking hate that this feeling gives me loss of control. I fucking hate myself.
He has cancer
She has cancer
They all have cancer
Everybody has cancer!
She is suicidal
He is also suicidal
They all are suicidal!
Everybody is going to die,
Everyone close to me will die, ahahaha
And so will I.
He said "the morning is such a malaise
And the short day is getting colder.
You have to wear a scarf if you don't want a lung disease
And also thermal undies to avoid infection in your bladder."
I like how he lowkey parents me.
If I ever had a Dutch grandpa in another life, it'd have been him.
And he's gonna die. Shit.