Minggu, 19 November 2017

So this does not last long

fucking hell, I had a mental breakdown in the middle of a damn lecture. I hurt my arms last friday and it was not fun.

Why am I even trying?

Kamis, 16 November 2017

Grades

So  I failed Test Theory...and I'm not surprised, I'm actually amused. It's one of those "I told you" moments amd I've been giggling at the how true my prediction was. But it's a 5, so I could've had a 6. But when I try to get an 8, I always get a 6. Why is it that I always end up being the worst among the best (getting a 6 and having to take the exam again with my friends get 7s and 9s) but the best among the worst? (Getting a 5 while my friends get 4s and 3s)

Pondering aside, for the past two days my mood has been really good. I'm finally happy and productive again. My sense of humour came back and I can finally laugh genuinely again after such tough months.

However, I have a constant migraine now and my sleep cycle is completely fucked.  I've been taking Melatonin many days in a row and I always feel like shit days after, so I'm trying to be off the drug right now and try to sleep naturally. But my mind is  inspiring, filled with awesome ideas about countless fictional stories. I feel strangely confident and I feel like I can conquer the world right now hahaha. I socialise more, I learn statistics quickly with my confidant-tutor and I really enjoy my time with my friends. I think I can finally call them friends now.

I know this won't last long. So I will cherish it.

Selasa, 14 November 2017

Bali and my weight loss (TRIGGER WARNING)

So, after a year abroad, I went back home for the summer holiday and found out that what most people react to first was my body.

Most of my maternal family members congratulated me and asked me what was my "secret". I told them, half-jokingly that it was ramadhan in the middle of summer and cycling everywhere. Despite the jokes, one of my aunt was deadpan serious when she told me I look better this way. Only my grandma was concerned and and with her grandmotherly instinct, she continued to feed me mercilessly. So, grandma, eventhough we constantly have our regina george moments, I love you for even giving a damn hahaha.

And then I came along with my father to Bali to visit two of my bestfriends while my father was away for work. Of course, one thing they particularly noticed and proceeded to point out as constantly as my family did was how skinny I was and how my collarbones were showing. But I kept telling them I was fine and I had been eating without trouble at all. Because the problem was never in my eating.

My bestfriend in highschool was mad at me for being skinny but also praised me for looking 'better'. She was quite concerned that I would continue to lose weight so she proceeded to encourage me to eat. She met me at night after she was finished with her job and I thought, "shit, maybe I also need a job" which shamed me further because I'm still financially dependent on my parents. She bought me snacks and we went to a seafood restaurant while my dad was scared by her driving, but respected her greatly that she tried. I stayed in the car with her after we arrived as my dad went to the room first. And we just talked. How much have I decided to trust this person in such a short time in high school, and yet she is my bestfriend. And I have missed her so much, after a year of no direct contact with her in contrast of daily contact I had with her throughout high school. I realised how much I have taken her presence for granted, and that I might have not been a good friend to her. We then tried to squeeze another meeting into my tight schedule, and we decided that we could meet the morning before I eventually had to leave for Surabaya, which two days after that day.

Two days after, she took me to one of the malls in Bali and, for the first time in a year, I went to Starbucks and we got green tea lattes. And we just talked for hours and I felt time was and had been kind to us. I was glad to hear she was doing well with everything, I did not want to ruin the cheery mood, so I did not tell her much of my struggles. My experience with her taught me to chill and be grateful that I had made it to this point in life, it was a good two-day experience.

I also met one of my bestfriend since junior high in Bali. It had been a long time since we had spent time with each other, and we both started to realise how we had changed. She noted that I vowed to never be on a diet when I was in junior high after seeing her being on a strict diet to lose weight and now I was the skinny one. I emphasized to her that I didn't lose weight deliberately; as in most cases of people on a diet. Back then, I did it to  support her and cheer her up, but maybe I meant it that I didn't want to go on a diet. It was not my choice to be skinnier, I skipped meals a lot and I also cycled everywhere, so everything that had happened while I was in the Netherlands contributed to it.

When she picked me up at the hotel I was staying in on a huge sports motorcycle, I thought, "well, some things don't change" and chuckled at myself. Of course, some things do, such as her better-knowledge of makeup as she unravelled her helmet and showed her short hair that was once long. We looked like opposites of ourselves in junior high, as I used to be the one chubbier with short hair. I thought, "wow, it has been that long, I am old". She still had her adventurous side, she took me to a secluded beach in the middle of mountainous Balinese village area and conquered the traffic jam by driving on the pavement with her huge motorbike (we had a mini accident midway, but it was hilarious and worth the memory).

I love that day, it was one of my best get-away day. And when people saw how happy I was, they wouldn't conclude something  that is ironically not so far-off from my truth. They would not see a girl that  mentally struggled throughout the year to the point that she needed therapy, they would only see a rich girl coming home after studying abroad, being a tourist in her own country. Because that is what is commonly advertised in my society. Put on a happy face and pretends that your burning-down house will not melt the steel and kill you. I think these quotes and "rules" says all:
1.) Privileged people do not have problem. 2.) "How dare they have mental illness when most of us are in poverty! Your problems are not real, it's all in your head!".
3.) "Don't have such a weak mentality because it means you haven't been praying enough!"

Rant aside, when we were at the quiet beach, shits seemed to get serious. I mean, this happened right after we gossiped about a couple that did a pre-wedding photoshoot and stared longingly at a shirtless russian dude. But other than constantly mentioning how skinny I was, she was the one seriously concerned. She asked me whether I like to eat now, and I said yes. She then asked me whether I ate-at all, I said "of course" with a confused look at her. She then whispered to me "but you're not making yourself throw up after it, right?"

And so my eyes rose awoken, surprised tone came out from my mouth as I said a firmly denying "no!"; and to my mind then came a realisation of how far time has taken us for becoming the person we were now. Judging by how ED came to her mind so easily when she was concerned made me notice how much most of us had to endure cruel and demanding experiences in our lives but never got the chance to talk about it. How much shits we had to go through as a path to early adulthood to get into this point now.  And my experience with her taught me that everyone struggles with something; sometimes with some really serious shits; on their way to adulthood, giving me a glimpse of hope that I can make it in the future.

But can I actually make it? I'll never know. I guess, for now, I just have to avoid myself for ever yearning for death again.

Minggu, 12 November 2017

My fucking grades (Rant)

I feel happy two days in a row, which is a great achievement for me. However, I notice that I also get distracted a lot more and also I have trouble sleeping before 5 am because my mind is so active. It has been bursting with awesome, though unrealistic, ideas and keeps me awake at night. And my dreams are so fun lately, I feel alive when I sleep. I think this is my productive phase. But it scares me though, because if I get too ''high", my "low" will be too low. And when I get low, I get *really* low. I don't want that. So I've been subconsciously trying to make myself less happy now.

And I got the result for my clinical neuro exam, a subject that I really love. I studied for weeks, I made flashcards and graphs and everything and guess what? It's a fucking six again. I spent my weeks studying for clinical neuro and could not care less for test theory as I just read the summaries and skimmed through the God-forsaken dull Psychometry book. I swear, if my grade for test theory is higher than my clinical neuro, I'm gonna fucking snap.

Last year, I liked Developmental and I wrote my own summaries from the book and aimed for an eight. Guess what? I got a fucking 7. 

I failed Personality last year and I had to study for the resit during the beginning of summer break. And during the exam, I was on the verge of choking on my candy so I didn't recheck my answers. And I got a 7. I got a whole 2 week for myself studying, eating crappy vending machine sandwiches and got back to studying in the fucking library and ended up with 7 because I fucking choked on a fucking candy. 

I tried to like statistics 1b, I spent money on tutoring and worked hard for two goddamn weeks. And I got a six. I hated history and application, (it was in the same week as statistics 1b) and I couldn't care less to study and just read the summaries. And I got a fucking 7.

I tackled the fact that I had been mentally unwell for the past years and wrote my propadeutical paper according to the advice and I got a fucking 6.5. 

Why. Is. My. Effort. Not. Showing?

So now, I have to take Clinical Psychology and I seem to like this topic. The workload is crazy, but it seems like I can handle it. But guess what, I'LL PROBABLY END UP WITH A FUCKING SIX AGAIN.

I'LL FOREVER GET A FUCKING SIX FOR EVERY FUCKING SUBJECT AND WILL NEVER BE APPLICABLE FOR THE FUCKING MASTER'S PROGRAMME SO WHY AM I EVEN FUCKING TRYING?

Selasa, 07 November 2017

I'm tired (TRIGGER WARNING)

I don't know who to believe or what to believe anymore. I don't even believe in myself. People are for taking and giving and they take and they gain over and over and over. Even if they help you they want something. Even if I help them, I want something. Nothing is genuine. Nothing is pure.
Altruism does not exist. Friendship does not exist.

Even if I try my hardest, I always end up with a six. And when I'm satisfied with what I have, I get shamed for being satisfied. "Ooh, you're not trying hard enough", "I don't want a six on my grade, that will lower my averages!", "I'm so sick of getting a 7", "I don't know anything but I get a 9", "why are you even here if you don't do well at all?", "you're the dumbest person I've ever met, how come you're still alive?", "There is no point for you to continue if you don't succeed.", "A six again? you're an embarrassment to your country, to your loved ones, and to yourself,", "I don't want you to exist anymore. You're a filler character in your own story, I have to kill you off", "Please just do me a favour. Climb up the balcony and throw yourself. That way you can show your only worth by contributing to the pathologist's salary."

Stop it. I get it. I'm an idiot. Only some of them are real things that I have heard in real life, the rest of them comes from my abusive mind. Because of this, I can't meet my 'friends' that often anymore because their conversation reminds me of how useless I am, how stupid I am and how aimless I am in life. Especially when they talk about their future in such a bright imagination and I was just there saying "I still don't know".

So I exist. But I serve no purpose for my existence. I don't have a reason to exist. Life does not get interesting for me anymore. Even my dream in my sleep is more interesting than my waking life. I know my family will miss me if I kill myself, but that does not help the fact that I'm just here, in this world, breathing, without any purpose at all. Even if I die, they will move on with their life. It doesn't help that this person inside my mind keeps bullying me for simply existing. She doesn't let me forgive myself for what I have become.

Yesterday, I felt happy most of the day. But even when I have a happy day, I became apathetic. Like I don't care about anything at all; not about my life purpose, not about my exams, not about the fact that I haven't showered or eaten but I was happy. And it was not the healthiest one of being happy because I was still unproductive. Even when I was happy I was still clueless in life. And I overspent when I'm happy.

I used to have a purpose, a dream of studying abroad. And now I'm here but I just don't see the point anymore. I don't see the point of doing anything anymore. I'm just an aimless spoiled loser way too pathetic to ever live. And if a person has no purpose, then perhaps it was because I wasn't supposed to make it this far into life.



If being an adult means that I have to be constantly unhappy, then perhaps I shouldn't have been living this long after all.

Selasa, 31 Oktober 2017

Krisis

Masih tak lama aku berada
Kian jauh batin dari alam raga
Nun kecil hati terbungkam dalam aksara

Dan mengarungi waktu tak bertuan
Nafas tak berkenan

Apa yang kulangkahi bila hari tak berperan?

Rabu, 18 Oktober 2017