Sabtu, 31 Januari 2015

Cell Block Tango, Never Happened version :))

So here's what happened. I had a random idea to put my book characters into a cell block tango frenzy, and they are surprisingly (and to me, hilariously) suitable.

who the hell are they??? what's going on??
These people are all characters from my unpublished book, Never Happened. Here's the explanation :

Dorothy was the wife of the first test subject. She was the mother of the "affected one"'s father. The affected one's father's name is Ben. The symptoms of the experimental infection by the "phoenix" virus were constant coughing and bleeding. No, she didn't kill her husband for real, but I briefly mentioned that she did get annoyed by his coughs in the story. He later died from the disease.

Alfred (Alfie) is the main antagonist, so he killed lots of people in the story, including his mentor's wife, Harriet and his mentor's brother, Charles Lefevre. Alfred used to be Robert Lefevre(his mentor)'s student and managed to impress his idol scientist, Charles, with his intelligence which made Charles hired him to do a research. In the end they created a 'perfect gene' that could cure genetic diseases but it turned out that it had nasty side effects, so the ones in charge forbid them to market it. Alfred, being mocked by his mother for not being perfect since young, was mad when they gain disapproval, and wanted to trade the virus no matter what, but the Lefevre brothers wouldn't allow him to. So he killed Robert's brother and wife then accused Robert of doing it.

What's funny is that, Harriet did tried to fight back when Alfred attacked her with the knife, but ended up killed anyway, while in this parody, it showed that Harriet managed to seize the knife and killed Alfred. ("Then the knife slipped into my hand. He ran into the knife ten times").

The Lefevre brothers were half french, and Robert was the only one who fluently speaks french. Robert was Alfred's mentor and lecturer. He went into depression when his wife and brother were killed. So he was released by the court for being found not guilty with the reason of insanity. In his lines, I exaggerate how he felt guilty of his wife's murder and he blamed himself. My typical dark sense of humour.

Elle is the main character, she was a witness of her father's murder by Alfred. No, she didn't kill anyone in the book. She has a bestfriend called Genevieve and a childhood friend named Aaron, who was "the affected one". Genevieve has a brother named Kyle, who has a girlfriend named Stephanie. I mentioned in the book that sometimes Elle asked for Kyle's help in science homework, and Kyle got distracted everytime Stephanie was around. In "book" two, Kyle sacrificed himself being shot to protect his sister. Elle is a hardworker, so if her works are suddenly ruined, she will be very angry. So the joke is that Elle shot them both from a distance, (which made a new conspiracy theory where Elle was the one who murdered Kyle) just because they kicked her homework.

In the book, I implied that Genevieve and Aaron were attracted to each other. Aaron was a child prodigy and has his own violin solo concerts and quite famous towards women, which made Genevieve jealous sometimes. Aaron is half-austrian, which is why Genevieve said "Lebensstil", which means "Lifestyle" in German. The joke is that Genevieve killed Aaron because she was jealous.

Cell Block Tango, NH Version

Cough
Phoenix
Squish
Uh uh
Counting ρ
Lebensstil

Ben (narrating)
And now the six merry murderers of the Faust county jail. In their rendition of the cell block tango.

Cough
Phoenix
Squish
Uh uh
Counting ρ
Lebensstil

Cough!
Phoenix!
Squish!
Uh uh!
Counting ρ!
Lebensstil!

Cough!
Phoenix!
Squish!
Uh uh!
Counting ρ!
Lebensstil!

Cough!
Phoenix!
Squish!
Uh uh!
Counting ρ!
Lebensstil!

(Everyone, except Robert)
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you have been there
If you had seen it

(Elle)
I betcha you would have done the same!

Cough!
Phoenix!
Squish!
Uh uh!
Counting ρ!
Lebensstil!

*Alfie pushes Robert out of his way*

Cough!
Phoenix!
Squish!
Uh uh!
Counting ρ!
Lebensstil!

(Dorothy)
You know how some people do stupid things, being a human subject. Like, Henry. Henry sneezes all the time, no not sneeze. Cough.
So he came home from volunteering one day and I'm really all worn out and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy. And there's Henry. Lying on the couch, not taking his pills and sneezing. No, not sneezing. Coughing!
So I said to him, I said "You cough your lungs out one more day..." and he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots. Into his head!
*Pulls a red handkerchief out of Henry's cap*

*Dorothy dances aggressively*
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would have done the same!

(Alfie)
I met Charles Lefevre in the lecture hall where I studied about two years ago. He told me he was the scientist, so we go to the business, right away. So we started working together. He'd go to work, he'd tested the drug, I observe the finance, we'll have discussions. And then I found out. "Don't trade the drug" he told me. Don't trade it, my arse! Not only it can *cure* people, oh no, it was such a phoenix. One of those moralist, you know. So that night in the restaurant, I fixed him a drink, for his brother.
*Alfie kicked the chair and Charles falls*
But that poor guy just can't hold his cyanide!
*Takes a red handkerchief from Charles's mouth*

*Alfie dancing merrily alone*
Hah! He had it coming
He had it coming
He took a flower in its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder
But not a crime!

(Harriet)
Now I'm standing in the bathroom, turnin' all the taps on to shower. Minding my own business. In storm my husband's colleague in a murder rage. "Hello my lady" he says.
*Harriet dodges Alfie's knife*
He was crazy! And he kept on screaming
*While dodging Alfie's knife*
"You've been messing with his mind!"
*Harriet embraces Alfie*
Then the knife slipped into my hand. He ran into the knife ten times.
*Pulls a long red handkerchief from Alfie's stomach*

If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same

*Harriet dances with Robert*
(Robert)
(In french)
Pourquoi suis-je ici?
Ils ont dit que je suis rentré dans la rage
Poignardé ma femme et la noyer à mort.
Mais ce n'est pas vrai. Je suis innocent. Je ne sais pas pourquoi l'Reine Liz dit que je l'ai fait.
J'ai essayé de l'expliquer à la station de police. Mais ils ne me comprennent pas!
(Dorothy)
Yeah, but did you do it?
(Robert)
Uh uh, not guilty!
*Pulls a white handkerchief from Harriet's bathrobe*

(Elle)
My friend's brother, Kyle and I were doing this physics problems. And his friend, Stephanie was there with us. Now for all of the questions we had tried using everything in a row. Pi,syne, cosyne, alpha, beta, hydrostatistic formulas and I came to this question number 17. And then I realized I had to count the Rho. I made mistakes, and they laughed. He said I needed a calculator, so I went out to get one. I observe the building from afar, through the window, and there's Kyle and Stephanie, doing the kissing thing. They kicked my homework!
Well, I was in such state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It was then until later, when I put the rifle off my hand, I even knew they were dead! *Showing two red handkerchieves on her hands*

They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn't do it, but if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

(Elle) They had it coming
(Everyone) They had it coming
(Robert) She didn't...
(Elle) They had it coming
(Everyone) They had it coming
(Robert) She didn't!
(Elle) They had it coming
(Everyone) They took a flower
(Elle) All along
(Everyone) In its prime
(Elle) I didn't do it
(Everyone) And then they used it
(Elle) But if I'd done it
(Elle) How could you tell me that I was wrong?

(Genevieve)
I love Aaron Stuart more than I could possibly say. He was a real artistic guy. Sensitive, a musician. But he was always trying to make himself famous. He'd go out every night to sign some autographs and on the way, he got hugs, kisses, selfies and cellphone numbers. I guess you could say we broke up because of our lifestyle differences. He saw himself as alive. *Genevieve pulls out red handkerchief from her glove*
And I saw him dead! *Genevieve strangles Aaron*

(Everyone)
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

(Dorothy, Alfie, Harriet)
They had it comin'
(Elle, Genevieve)
They had it comin'
(Robert)
She didn't...
(Dorothy, Alfie, Harriet)
They had it comin'
(Elle, Genevieve)
They had it comin'
(Robert)
She didn't!
(Dorothy, Alfie, Harriet)
They had it comin'
(Elle, Genevieve)
They had it comin'
(Dorothy, Alfie, Harriet)
All along
(Elle, Genevieve)
All along
(Robert)
What have I done? *cries*
(Dorothy, Alfie, Harriet)
'Cause if they used us
(Elle, Genevieve)
'Cause if they used us
(Dorothy, Alfie, Harriet)
And they abused us
(Elle, Genevieve)
And they abused us
(Dorothy, Alfie, Harriet)
How could you tell us
(Elle, Genevieve)
How could you tell us
That we were wrong?

(Everyone)
They had it coming
(Robert)
No...she didn't...
(Everyone)
They had it coming
(Robert)
No! She didn't!
(Everyone)
They only had themselves to blame.
(Robert)
I am the one to blame!
(Everyone)
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

(Dorothy)
You cough your lungs out one more day...
(Alfie)
Don't trade it, my arse!
(Harriet)
Ten times
(Robert)
Je ne sais pas pourquoi l'Reine Liz dit que je l'ai fait.
(Elle)
Number 17, They kicked my homework
(Genevieve)
Lifestyle differences

Cough
Phoenix
Squish
Uh uh
Counting ρ
Lebensstil

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