Kamis, 30 April 2015

Baby blue

I had a big fight with my friend last week, so I went to the bookstore to calm myself down and let out some thoughts. One utility knife caught my attention, so I bought it. I'm fascinated by how lovely the colour is and how sharp the blade is that it cut me accidentally after I handled it incorrectly, then this happened.

Baby blue
Day was young, I wandered purposelessly
Finding something unexist, unloved by my choices
Yet my worries had drawn me to you
My baby blue

Your edge is sharp, shone sliver in the noon light
Surface smooth , delicately painted royal blue
People consider your beauty a fright
But appealing for my loving colour hue

You wounded me, you've hurted me
Your blade is hideous
You're corrupted but lovely
And you're waiting to kill

You're thirsty
For human blood
You're hungry
For human flesh

Kamis, 23 April 2015

INFP living with xSTJs....

Once upon a time, an ESTJ man and an IxFP woman married. Few years after the marriage, she bore the first daughter, an INTP. And then the second year, an INFP daughter was born. Aand...that was me.

I had been the 'alien' of the family really, I always act like an ENFP at home (you know, random, imaginative, loud, goofy yet 'deep' and artsy kind of girl). My dad scored as ESTJ for mbti test, and my sister somehow scored ISTJ (probably developed a high Te and Si from my dad, but Ne and Ti are her most natural functions). While my grandma is a creepy ISFJ and my aunt's an unhealthy ESTJ.

So I've been living around xSxJs all my life, I'm quite sure I can quickly identify one outside of my family. I didn't get the chance to test my (biological) mom so that I could type her. Judging by her attitudes, she must be xNFP due to her constant use of Ne, and something abt her just screamed IxFP to me. I remembered how we think alike, she could be an INFP like me, but she seemed more to be comfortable around people, and after hearing her past lives that she used to go to wild motorcycle races and loved to play basketball made me think of her as an xSFP, like ISFP. But I guess she is a borderline extrovert...

So anyway, people always say that it is quite impossible for INFPs to be friends with xSTJs because their mean and blunt words can hurt our "delicate unicorn-imported little hearts". Well, guess what? Thinkers have feelings too. And Feelers can think too. 

Now, I'm going to describe you as much as possible of what is it like to live with xSTJs, and how to be close with them. Note that this might not be accurate since the subjects I used here are my families and someone from my own environment.
The ESTJ subjects are my dad, and my teacher, and the xSFJs subjects are my aunt and grandma.

One sacred rule for INFPs when facing the ESTJs : play it their way first, then after they warm up to you, introduce to them how you do things your way.

They love organizing things and when something's disordered (or not going on their way) they'll be crazy. They're not really as adaptive as we INFPs do, so don't shock them with your messiness, your scattered imagination or even your weird, otherworldly ideas after only your second encouter with them. Bond to them slowly, then they'll notice you because you're different (like, really, INFP is a polar opposite of ESTJ, but that doesn't mean that the friendship is impossible).

Be patient, they like it when you're obedient/cooperative (while we're actually manipulating them to accept us, mwahahahahaa 3:D). Keep to your word, make them trust you, or at least show them your best hardworking attitude. This is exactly what I did to my dad and my (scary) biology teacher (in which I strongly identify as an ESTJ because her behaviours are soo Te just like my dad's). It took me a year to REALLY get to know my dad, I did it by agreeing to his words, respecting his try on maintaining 'traditional father' role, and listen to him. Eventhough he loves talking about himself or the past times that involved him (Si) or even stuff I don't really care about (I'm pretty sure he's tired of my impractical bullshits too hahaa) I'm always all ears. By that, we get the mutual respect for each other. That I'm worthy in his eyes, even though I'm a hopeless, dreamy emo.

He wouldn't even let me touch him, he was so reserved when I was a tween, but now he lets me hug him everytime he goes home from work just like other daughters.

As for my bio teacher, I didn't put a lot of effort in trying to understand her (because I have a weird habit of understanding the subject the teacher teaches only if I have understood the teacher's personality) at first. I tried to be as invisible as possible in bio class since I didn't want her to notice me because she was so damn scary that she made the whole class so tense. But her attention to details (un?)fortunately made her notice me because I was the quietest one. She was like "Why don't you say anything?" and I was like "well, I have nothing to say..." (psst, just trying to avoid a conflict by escaping into a daydream world, mam) then she said "that's good hahaha"
This will give the ESTJ a mindset that you are their followers since they like to lead and will not see you as a threat. Therefore, their xSxJ side will come out (taking care and protecting somehow).
See how she likes the control? My dad also has this trait of wanting to run EVERYTHING, he loves being in charge and I think all ESTJs have that natural charisma (or maybe just the fussiness) that makes them a good leader. So once she realised that she had a control over me, she started being nicer to me (?). I mean she acts motherly to me, seems like she wants to protect me from the world, hahaahaa

But off course, as an INFP who loves freedom, I don't actually let her to fully control me. Once I knew that she noticed me, and that there would be no where to hide, I decided to just face her. I've always been naturally drawn to biology, I don't know why, so I got good grades in it. I'm on charge of my own grades, right?
And actually, I started approaching her at her down times, really. There was this time when she got frustrated because the whole class wouldn't listen to her explanation (maybe because my friends were intimidated by her) and she gave us false information about how the bowel works. So then I approached her gently and asked her "Mam, excuse me, I hope you don't mind me, but howcome you say so when my book shows this? Or is it another version of the information? (this is my Ne playing tricks on my words hehee)"
Since then she notices me more for 'standing up for the truth'. And says hi when we pass by. I'm more comfortable in her presence now.

So yeah, I think its a brief introduction of how is it like to live around xSxJs, I'll post more of these when my mood strikes.