Minggu, 10 Desember 2017

Goodbye

Thank you for taking the time for reading this blog.
It has been a pleasure.

Goodbye

For now(?)

Jumat, 08 Desember 2017

Why

I abandoned all of my current lectures to take care of this one fucking subject and still got an average score. I worked day and fucking night, ignoring my family's texts and all else that was going on for this fucking resit I made a priority. I worked on fucking weekends, overdosed on coffee, while all else are going on.

Am I that stupid that my results never equate to my efforts?

Kamis, 07 Desember 2017

:)

Happy birthday from the other side :)

Jumat, 01 Desember 2017

*TRIGGER WARNING* .....

Last Tuesday, I ran onto a glass door and hit my forehead hard after frantically slashing my wrist in midst of a nervous breakdown in the library toilet. What the fuck is wrong with me...

So I cycled in major fatigue, a car almost ran me over (not that I minded at that moment), and sucked it all in. But when I got into my room, I was like possessed, I was physically immovable with tears flowing down and I had a dreadful moment of not feeling the presence of my own body. This had happened too when I was still in the dorm, in which I started to hear my inexistent roommate's voice speaking to me a few minutes later and I was scared shitless (the reason why I went to therapy actually). I contacted the crisis chat, it took me three hours for me to actually physically move and being finally aware of my own body. I accidentally told my friend I have a mental condition, but fortunately, he seemed to be very understanding.

The next day, I zapped my brain again. After that, I feel productive and giggly but I could still sense the lowness at the back of my head. One fucking mistake in my perfect, productive schedule, and I'll be back spiralling down again.

I'm fucking scared. Am I that weak to handle the world that I can't even cope with daily hassles without having a mental breakdown?

I fucking hate how my mind works. I fucking hate that this feeling gives me loss of control. I fucking hate myself.

Selasa, 28 November 2017

Why does everyone's role expire so fast? *TRIGGER WARNING*

He has cancer
She has cancer
They all have cancer
Everybody has cancer!
She is suicidal
He is also suicidal
They all are suicidal!

Everybody is going to die,
Everyone close to me will die, ahahaha

And so will I.

Senin, 27 November 2017

BK

He said "the morning is such a malaise
And the short day is getting colder.
You have to wear a scarf if you don't want  a lung disease
And also thermal undies to avoid infection in your bladder."

I like how he lowkey parents me.

If I ever had a Dutch grandpa in another life, it'd have been him.

And he's gonna die. Shit.

Minggu, 19 November 2017

So this does not last long

fucking hell, I had a mental breakdown in the middle of a damn lecture. I hurt my arms last friday and it was not fun.

Why am I even trying?

Kamis, 16 November 2017

Grades

So  I failed Test Theory...and I'm not surprised, I'm actually amused. It's one of those "I told you" moments amd I've been giggling at the how true my prediction was. But it's a 5, so I could've had a 6. But when I try to get an 8, I always get a 6. Why is it that I always end up being the worst among the best (getting a 6 and having to take the exam again with my friends get 7s and 9s) but the best among the worst? (Getting a 5 while my friends get 4s and 3s)

Pondering aside, for the past two days my mood has been really good. I'm finally happy and productive again. My sense of humour came back and I can finally laugh genuinely again after such tough months.

However, I have a constant migraine now and my sleep cycle is completely fucked.  I've been taking Melatonin many days in a row and I always feel like shit days after, so I'm trying to be off the drug right now and try to sleep naturally. But my mind is  inspiring, filled with awesome ideas about countless fictional stories. I feel strangely confident and I feel like I can conquer the world right now hahaha. I socialise more, I learn statistics quickly with my confidant-tutor and I really enjoy my time with my friends. I think I can finally call them friends now.

I know this won't last long. So I will cherish it.

Selasa, 14 November 2017

Bali and my weight loss (TRIGGER WARNING)

So, after a year abroad, I went back home for the summer holiday and found out that what most people react to first was my body.

Most of my maternal family members congratulated me and asked me what was my "secret". I told them, half-jokingly that it was ramadhan in the middle of summer and cycling everywhere. Despite the jokes, one of my aunt was deadpan serious when she told me I look better this way. Only my grandma was concerned and and with her grandmotherly instinct, she continued to feed me mercilessly. So, grandma, eventhough we constantly have our regina george moments, I love you for even giving a damn hahaha.

And then I came along with my father to Bali to visit two of my bestfriends while my father was away for work. Of course, one thing they particularly noticed and proceeded to point out as constantly as my family did was how skinny I was and how my collarbones were showing. But I kept telling them I was fine and I had been eating without trouble at all. Because the problem was never in my eating.

My bestfriend in highschool was mad at me for being skinny but also praised me for looking 'better'. She was quite concerned that I would continue to lose weight so she proceeded to encourage me to eat. She met me at night after she was finished with her job and I thought, "shit, maybe I also need a job" which shamed me further because I'm still financially dependent on my parents. She bought me snacks and we went to a seafood restaurant while my dad was scared by her driving, but respected her greatly that she tried. I stayed in the car with her after we arrived as my dad went to the room first. And we just talked. How much have I decided to trust this person in such a short time in high school, and yet she is my bestfriend. And I have missed her so much, after a year of no direct contact with her in contrast of daily contact I had with her throughout high school. I realised how much I have taken her presence for granted, and that I might have not been a good friend to her. We then tried to squeeze another meeting into my tight schedule, and we decided that we could meet the morning before I eventually had to leave for Surabaya, which two days after that day.

Two days after, she took me to one of the malls in Bali and, for the first time in a year, I went to Starbucks and we got green tea lattes. And we just talked for hours and I felt time was and had been kind to us. I was glad to hear she was doing well with everything, I did not want to ruin the cheery mood, so I did not tell her much of my struggles. My experience with her taught me to chill and be grateful that I had made it to this point in life, it was a good two-day experience.

I also met one of my bestfriend since junior high in Bali. It had been a long time since we had spent time with each other, and we both started to realise how we had changed. She noted that I vowed to never be on a diet when I was in junior high after seeing her being on a strict diet to lose weight and now I was the skinny one. I emphasized to her that I didn't lose weight deliberately; as in most cases of people on a diet. Back then, I did it to  support her and cheer her up, but maybe I meant it that I didn't want to go on a diet. It was not my choice to be skinnier, I skipped meals a lot and I also cycled everywhere, so everything that had happened while I was in the Netherlands contributed to it.

When she picked me up at the hotel I was staying in on a huge sports motorcycle, I thought, "well, some things don't change" and chuckled at myself. Of course, some things do, such as her better-knowledge of makeup as she unravelled her helmet and showed her short hair that was once long. We looked like opposites of ourselves in junior high, as I used to be the one chubbier with short hair. I thought, "wow, it has been that long, I am old". She still had her adventurous side, she took me to a secluded beach in the middle of mountainous Balinese village area and conquered the traffic jam by driving on the pavement with her huge motorbike (we had a mini accident midway, but it was hilarious and worth the memory).

I love that day, it was one of my best get-away day. And when people saw how happy I was, they wouldn't conclude something  that is ironically not so far-off from my truth. They would not see a girl that  mentally struggled throughout the year to the point that she needed therapy, they would only see a rich girl coming home after studying abroad, being a tourist in her own country. Because that is what is commonly advertised in my society. Put on a happy face and pretends that your burning-down house will not melt the steel and kill you. I think these quotes and "rules" says all:
1.) Privileged people do not have problem. 2.) "How dare they have mental illness when most of us are in poverty! Your problems are not real, it's all in your head!".
3.) "Don't have such a weak mentality because it means you haven't been praying enough!"

Rant aside, when we were at the quiet beach, shits seemed to get serious. I mean, this happened right after we gossiped about a couple that did a pre-wedding photoshoot and stared longingly at a shirtless russian dude. But other than constantly mentioning how skinny I was, she was the one seriously concerned. She asked me whether I like to eat now, and I said yes. She then asked me whether I ate-at all, I said "of course" with a confused look at her. She then whispered to me "but you're not making yourself throw up after it, right?"

And so my eyes rose awoken, surprised tone came out from my mouth as I said a firmly denying "no!"; and to my mind then came a realisation of how far time has taken us for becoming the person we were now. Judging by how ED came to her mind so easily when she was concerned made me notice how much most of us had to endure cruel and demanding experiences in our lives but never got the chance to talk about it. How much shits we had to go through as a path to early adulthood to get into this point now.  And my experience with her taught me that everyone struggles with something; sometimes with some really serious shits; on their way to adulthood, giving me a glimpse of hope that I can make it in the future.

But can I actually make it? I'll never know. I guess, for now, I just have to avoid myself for ever yearning for death again.

Minggu, 12 November 2017

My fucking grades (Rant)

I feel happy two days in a row, which is a great achievement for me. However, I notice that I also get distracted a lot more and also I have trouble sleeping before 5 am because my mind is so active. It has been bursting with awesome, though unrealistic, ideas and keeps me awake at night. And my dreams are so fun lately, I feel alive when I sleep. I think this is my productive phase. But it scares me though, because if I get too ''high", my "low" will be too low. And when I get low, I get *really* low. I don't want that. So I've been subconsciously trying to make myself less happy now.

And I got the result for my clinical neuro exam, a subject that I really love. I studied for weeks, I made flashcards and graphs and everything and guess what? It's a fucking six again. I spent my weeks studying for clinical neuro and could not care less for test theory as I just read the summaries and skimmed through the God-forsaken dull Psychometry book. I swear, if my grade for test theory is higher than my clinical neuro, I'm gonna fucking snap.

Last year, I liked Developmental and I wrote my own summaries from the book and aimed for an eight. Guess what? I got a fucking 7. 

I failed Personality last year and I had to study for the resit during the beginning of summer break. And during the exam, I was on the verge of choking on my candy so I didn't recheck my answers. And I got a 7. I got a whole 2 week for myself studying, eating crappy vending machine sandwiches and got back to studying in the fucking library and ended up with 7 because I fucking choked on a fucking candy. 

I tried to like statistics 1b, I spent money on tutoring and worked hard for two goddamn weeks. And I got a six. I hated history and application, (it was in the same week as statistics 1b) and I couldn't care less to study and just read the summaries. And I got a fucking 7.

I tackled the fact that I had been mentally unwell for the past years and wrote my propadeutical paper according to the advice and I got a fucking 6.5. 

Why. Is. My. Effort. Not. Showing?

So now, I have to take Clinical Psychology and I seem to like this topic. The workload is crazy, but it seems like I can handle it. But guess what, I'LL PROBABLY END UP WITH A FUCKING SIX AGAIN.

I'LL FOREVER GET A FUCKING SIX FOR EVERY FUCKING SUBJECT AND WILL NEVER BE APPLICABLE FOR THE FUCKING MASTER'S PROGRAMME SO WHY AM I EVEN FUCKING TRYING?

Selasa, 07 November 2017

I'm tired (TRIGGER WARNING)

I don't know who to believe or what to believe anymore. I don't even believe in myself. People are for taking and giving and they take and they gain over and over and over. Even if they help you they want something. Even if I help them, I want something. Nothing is genuine. Nothing is pure.
Altruism does not exist. Friendship does not exist.

Even if I try my hardest, I always end up with a six. And when I'm satisfied with what I have, I get shamed for being satisfied. "Ooh, you're not trying hard enough", "I don't want a six on my grade, that will lower my averages!", "I'm so sick of getting a 7", "I don't know anything but I get a 9", "why are you even here if you don't do well at all?", "you're the dumbest person I've ever met, how come you're still alive?", "There is no point for you to continue if you don't succeed.", "A six again? you're an embarrassment to your country, to your loved ones, and to yourself,", "I don't want you to exist anymore. You're a filler character in your own story, I have to kill you off", "Please just do me a favour. Climb up the balcony and throw yourself. That way you can show your only worth by contributing to the pathologist's salary."

Stop it. I get it. I'm an idiot. Only some of them are real things that I have heard in real life, the rest of them comes from my abusive mind. Because of this, I can't meet my 'friends' that often anymore because their conversation reminds me of how useless I am, how stupid I am and how aimless I am in life. Especially when they talk about their future in such a bright imagination and I was just there saying "I still don't know".

So I exist. But I serve no purpose for my existence. I don't have a reason to exist. Life does not get interesting for me anymore. Even my dream in my sleep is more interesting than my waking life. I know my family will miss me if I kill myself, but that does not help the fact that I'm just here, in this world, breathing, without any purpose at all. Even if I die, they will move on with their life. It doesn't help that this person inside my mind keeps bullying me for simply existing. She doesn't let me forgive myself for what I have become.

Yesterday, I felt happy most of the day. But even when I have a happy day, I became apathetic. Like I don't care about anything at all; not about my life purpose, not about my exams, not about the fact that I haven't showered or eaten but I was happy. And it was not the healthiest one of being happy because I was still unproductive. Even when I was happy I was still clueless in life. And I overspent when I'm happy.

I used to have a purpose, a dream of studying abroad. And now I'm here but I just don't see the point anymore. I don't see the point of doing anything anymore. I'm just an aimless spoiled loser way too pathetic to ever live. And if a person has no purpose, then perhaps it was because I wasn't supposed to make it this far into life.



If being an adult means that I have to be constantly unhappy, then perhaps I shouldn't have been living this long after all.

Selasa, 31 Oktober 2017

Krisis

Masih tak lama aku berada
Kian jauh batin dari alam raga
Nun kecil hati terbungkam dalam aksara

Dan mengarungi waktu tak bertuan
Nafas tak berkenan

Apa yang kulangkahi bila hari tak berperan?

Rabu, 18 Oktober 2017

Senin, 09 Oktober 2017

Annie are you ok?

I am Annie

Today he asks me multiple times if I am alright, fishing for an answer
Noting whether my letter was of a desperate call for help or of a concrete matter
I told him I was not ok, but I currently am.
And there he silently observes me, horrified of what I am

And he promised to help support me with tears forming in his eyes and with voice trembling
He was relieved to see me before him, behind his forced smiling
He is a father, he knows better that the last thing he wants to hear from a daughter is what I have said to him.

And so he knows he can no longer fuse the situation and subtly begs me to stay.
"Don't do it, my dear. Don't do it at all" he says
And so I return his promise with a promise that I will stay.

But then they ask again, "Annie, are you okay?" to me
And I can't even speak because I'm fucking dead already 😂

Selasa, 03 Oktober 2017

I'm alive

19 years and I'm standing here
19 years and I'm still drawing breaths
4 years and I'm still battlling.

I'm grateful that I get to see another day yet

Minggu, 01 Oktober 2017

*TRIGGER WARNING* It's killing me

When somebody told me I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, I'm worthy, I'm a good person, and that I deserve to live, I replied with a smile.
I just wish that I believe them.

Selasa, 19 September 2017

RANT (ALL SMART PEOPLE PLEASE SKIP THIS)

My close friend is on her way to becoming a researcher with all her life planned out ahead of her. She has a clear vision of what she wants to be, speaks 3 languages, travelled the world and writes  so damn well. She's everything I always want to be but can't. She's my age. So age is not an excuse for me.
My bestfriend works hard every midnight to deal with high amount of projects from her art university. I'm studying psychology. Major should not be an excuse for me.
My other friend who is also asian like me is a hardworking genius who prepares for everything and is intimidatingly ambitious. But he's also a sweet guy who's kind to everyone. So culture is not an excuse for me.
My german friends are all hardworkers, searching for internships, moving freely, working overtime in the library every day with so much passion that I'm even ashamed of myself.
One of my friend has a work in airport that pays for his tuition and he's still young. I haven't worked shit in my whole entire goddamn life and I'm ashamed as hell.
My friend who has a mental illness is travelling the world, have many experiences of volunteering, speaking multiple languages and succeeds in her own way. So bad mental health is not an excuse for me.
My senior who has the same belief as I do worked hard, participated in every event, took every chance, danced two choreographies and played the angklung during the cultural event, did not go home for 2 years and still kept his shit together. So being religious and missing home is not an excuse for me.

I ain't done shit in my 19 years of life. I'm fucking aimless and I hate myself.

Minggu, 17 September 2017

Realita kuliah di luar negeri

Apa yang muncul pertama kali di benak kalian jika mendengar kata "saya kuliah di luar negeri"?
Apakah "Pasti orang elit yang ga lulus SBM"? Atau "Pasti jalan2 terus keliling dunia, belanja-belanja barang bermerk"? "Hidupnya pasti berfoya-foya, bak priyayi istana"? "Pasti sombong orangnya"? Atau malah "Oh makanya kamu begitu ya(membuat asumsi bahwa paham saya terpengaruh dengan tempat saya belajar , tergantung di negara yang sisi politiknya kemana)"

Sebaik apapun bertutur kata pasti selalu ada saja yang mencibir. Memanglah yang saya sebutkan hanya yang saya anggap negatif. Ini karena komentar negatif lebih mencolok dibandingkan banyaknya komentar positif yang saya terima. 

Memang, saya tak berhak menerima pujian. Saya berhasil studi ke Belanda sekarang atas bantuan banyak orang. Guru saya, kepala sekolah saya, orangtua saya, keluarga besar saya, semuanya punya peran dalam mewujudkan cita-cita saya. Karena hal ini, mengambil kesimpulan jika saya berhasil "hanya karena bapak banyak duit" itu tidak pantas karena mengucilkan perjuangan guru saya, keluarga besar saya dan saya sendiri dengan menyederhanakan kisah saya. Sekarang saya yang bercerita. Maka dengarkanlah.

Pertama-tama, ini bukan sebuah komplain. Tulisan saya bukan untuk menjatuhkan/menaikkan derajat suatu kaum. Saya tidak memihak, saya tidak mengeluh, saya hanya ingin memberi tahu realita sekolah diluar negeri agar orang indonesia bisa realistis sebelum mengambil keputusan. Saya ga butuh komentar "manja amat sudah enak sekolah diluar negeri masih ngeluh". Tulisan ini bukan keluhan. Tulisan ini adalah hasil observasi hidup saya dan teman-teman saya selama 1 tahun di Belanda, agar semua orang tahu kenyataannya. 

Sebelum pembaca mulai nyinyir lagi "kok bahasa indonesianya aneh sih", saya akan mulai perkenalan dahulu. Saya lahir di Surabaya, tetapi keluarga besar ibu kandung saya adalah orang Dayak (Kalimantan Tengah) yang bermigrasi ke Banjarmasin (Kalimantan Selatan) yang lalu bermigrasi dan menetap di Surabaya. Nenek ayah saya berasal dari Cirebon, tetapi turun-temurun menetap di Tulungagung (Jawa Timur). Waktu saya kecil, saya mendengar banyak bahasa. Bahasa ibu saya bahasa indonesia yang dicampur bahasa banjar. Maka logat saya cepat dan saya belajar tata bahasa dengan pengaruh melayu. Lalu saat saya pindah rumah, saya juga pindah sekolah ke sekolah bilingual. Sekolah bilingual adalah sekolah yang memakai dua bahasa, waktu itu bahasa indonesia dan bahasa inggris. Saya dituntut untuk mampu berbahasa inggris setiap hari, saya mati-matian belajar sepanjang SD dan tidur dengan kamus indonesia-inggris di samping saya. Semua orang yang bisa lebih dari 1 bahasa pasti mengerti betapa susahnya mengartikan kata-kata satu2, Seperti guru saya yang pernah berkata "tapi orang itu, apa ya, kalo bahasa jawanya ngalem gitu lo".

Cukup soal bahasa saya. Mari kembali ke topik awal. Bagaimana orang bisa tahu suasana kuliah diluar negeri seperti apa? Tahu cukup, sampai bisa membuat asumsi tentang orang yang kuliah diluar negeri?
Tapi apa yang kalian lihat di film?

Sahabat-sahabat yang mengejar mimpi lalu ada pertikaian dan cinta segitiga?  Seru-seruan travelling melihat bangunan-bangunan eropa yang apik? Perjuangan  keras merantau yang tiba-tiba dibumbui cerita cinta dan perjuangannya jadi kalah valid dengan kekuatan cinta? Aktor setengah bule yang sudah cantik sesuai beauty standard indonesia (yg ironis dan tak adil)? Apartemen bagus dan baju mewah bermerk? Belanja dan bersepeda di udara yang bersih? Terdampar di suatu negara dan menikah dengan bule ganteng?

Saya tak bisa bilang semua yang tersebutkan itu salah.

Tapi tak ada kisah tentang kami yang bersepeda sambil diterpa angin ganas dan salju hanya demi kuliah. Tak ada cinta di kisah kami, hanya semangat demi cita-cita dan solidaritas sesama orang indonesia yang merantau. Tak ada kisah tentang takut visa dicabut. Tak ada kisah tentang homesickness, tentang betapa sendirinya mahasiswa indonesia yang diluar negeri, yang tak bisa travelling karena menyimpan uang untuk pulang bukan pas lebaran. Tak ada kisah tentang  pengalaman rasisme dan diskriminasi (walaupun di Belanda, untungnya, sangat jarang terjadi). Tak ada cerita tentang dikucilkan karena bermuka asia tapi kepala berkerudung. Tak ada cerita tentang kelewatan ngucapin selamat ulang tahun karena perbedaan waktu, tak ada kisah tentang tak bisa datang ke pernikahan teman dekat di indonesia, tak ada kisah tentang adik-adik yang tiba2 sudah dewasa sewaktu kami kembali.

Tak ada kisah tentang korupsi moral dan krisis iman, tak ada kisah tentang pembaruan moral dan penemuan iman. Tak ada cerita tentang repotnya mengurus tuition fee dan jarang makan demi ngejar waktu kuliah. Tak ada kisah tentang harus kerja part-time karena perusahaan/orangtua terlambat ngirim uang karena kurs yang berubah-ubah. Tentang bawa botol air ke toilet karena gaada shower, tentang absurdnya naruh kaki di wastafel waktu wudhu. Tentang puasa 19 jam sambil sepedaan sementara yang lain makan dan merayakan hari raya jauh dari rumah. Tentang susahnya mencari gereja dengan bahasa yang dimengerti.

Tentang berdoa seorang diri karena tak ada yang beragama sama, tentang mengutuk Tuhan karena tak ada yang berpendapat sama. Tak ada kisah tentang menghalalkan segala cara demi lulus ujian dan coba-coba ganja (yang diperbolehkan kalau sedikit di Belanda) karena stres. Tentang terlalu banyak merokok, tentang berkunjung ke klub-klub murah  dan minum-minum sampai setengah gila. Tentang adaptasi dari culture shock yang tidak sebentar, repot sendiri kalau sakit berat, dan, yang paling sering diabaikan tapi ini benar-benar terjadi,  (dengar dari teman2 indo di Jerman) menurunnya kesehatan jiwa karena stres kuliah dan adaptasi sampai depresi dan bunuh diri hingga meninggal di negeri orang. Dan yang paling suram: tak ada cerita tentang mahasiswa yang tak tahu seperempat anggota keluarganya sudah meninggal semua selama dia masih studi, dan dia ga bisa ngapa-ngapain. Dia ga bisa ngelayat, ga ingat kapan terakhir kali ketemu mereka, ga ikut 40 hariannya dll.

Fiksi tidak menunjukkan pengorbanan yang lekat dengan realita mahasiswa indonesia diluar negeri. Ini hanya sebagian kumpulan kisah dari teman-teman saya dan pengalaman pribadi, bukan cerita sepenuhnya. Untuk yang ingin menulis novel dengan setting kuliah diuar negeri, mohon semua faktor ini dianggap. Kalau kamu orang yang ingin kuliah di luar negeri, tanyakan dirimu sendiri lagi

Kamu yakin?

Senin, 11 September 2017

Aaron's pre-surgery speech

Every day that I am awake not feeling fatigued
Every moment that I indulge in streams of laughter
Every hour that concerns are no more after me
Every second of a felt cheer and content with how I am
And found myself still taking breaths
And found myself living my life as I am
And found my eyes widely awaken with a smile forming upon my lips
Are my small victories against my lifelong disease
And I shall cherish it. For the battle is lifelong and I am a fighter. Eventually I win because I have chosen to live.

And I may never die a saint
But I will take my chance to live as a good man.

*"man" as in "human race"

Kamis, 31 Agustus 2017

Collections of self memes

Celebrating the greatest self deprecating joke ever told to me by gleefully posting self-generated memes : my birth day.









Selasa, 13 Juni 2017

Ratoh Duek Dance (From Indonesian Day 2017)

Ratoh Duek posted here is a variant of Saman dance (I guess? just with two males) performed during Indonesian day and dinner 2017 last May. I'm posting it here because I love the choreography so much and that accompanying song is forever stuck in my head. For the full version of all performances, check out my previous post titled "Indonesian Day full performances"

Credits goes to PPI Groningen


Jumat, 09 Juni 2017

Crack

I am a privileged young woman.
I have lived in comfort most of life in which I always get more than I deserve
But what comforts me was not wealth, nor residing under a waterproof roof,
Nor being driven across the city in a red Mazda 2, nor to have enough balance to purchase something I long for.
It's family. And I have taken myself 12000 km away from my own comforts

I am mad enough to leave my lifelong comfort in trade for such uncertainty, blinded by naive dreams of becoming a researcher.
I am mad enough to leave my most cherished thing in life for such glorified hardship, unaware of how far can it changes me

However, this hardship is not a hardship. For I am a privileged young woman.
And I don't deserve to feel sad. I am not entitled to make complaints.
I do not recognise what hardship is, thus how can I say more about it?

crack

I was raised as a studious Swann in a controlled environment,
Now thrown into a cage of wolves that this world is always like
I am too soft to be living, too fragile to be assertive
Too spoiled in an independent world, disgustingly mellow and dependent

I have been low for 5 months and my failures are not helping me.
I am a shame, a disgrace, worth nothing more than a token 18-year old Indonesian

What I've been feeling is vividly real and yet my problems are not.

I have a cowardly mentality
crack
I have a weakened will
crack
Everyone else has it worse than I do
crack
I am not trying hard enough
crack
I am one ungrateful bitch
-crack

It's all in my head


right?

Minggu, 04 Juni 2017

Kamis, 01 Juni 2017

Awesome 4-hands piano arrangement

This is the four seasons complete movements. These two did a great job, I think you should check it out!

Minggu, 21 Mei 2017

Other rehearsed songs, actual performances and fellow angklung players

So these are the other songs we performed for Indonesian Day 2017. These are not the actual performance but is the rehearsal the day before the event.

Songs are Jessie J - Flashlight and Nat King Cole - L.O.V.E

Regarding the actual performance during the event, I only found a video that's very short. 


But hey, my hair was nice

And we, as angklung players, are very cohesive as a group



I was elated that we did it and I'm thankful that we ever met! 😀 (gak full team :(, unfortunately)








Indonesian Day 2017- Medley (full version)

When we were performing this song yesterday, we stopped midway because people were singing along and we got confused so we ended up singing along instead  in case anyone is curious how the medley sounds like in Angklung only, this is the video. The playing was not perfect because we were still in rehearsal in this video. Even we had somebody taking over because one of the player didn't come (The most right next to me).
Enjoy the epic messiness 
The song is a medley of regional Indonesian songs from Maluku island : Nona Manis- Ayo mama- Rasa Sayange



Rabu, 10 Mei 2017

Gadis Melati

Gadis Melati

Siapa gadis berselendang putih itu?
Yang berpapar seri dan berkalung rangkaian melati
Yang cahayanya meredup dan tersedu-sedu
Menghitam disinar sabit yang sirna setelah matahari

Nyawa untuk nyawa, ujar mereka
Sang kuasa kami bela, ujar tuan tanah
Penguasa cukup berkuasa, ujarnya
Apadaya kau berpantang amanah?

Kakinya melayang berpapasan dengan surau tua
Tampaknya adalah api dari gereja tetangga
Dan kuil-kuil yang tanah-rata, porak-poranda
Terserak penggalan filsuf dan penggalan berhala

Wahai saudara sedarah
Tak berpeluhkah kau marah?

Sabtu, 01 April 2017

Cerpen "Tentang Dia" (untranslated)

English version will follow.

Awalnya aku rentan saja beradu dengan otak sendiri. Dia jelek. Dialah beban. Dia pereka ihwal. Dia lawanku. Dia bahkan belum penuh umur. Benciku layaknya hamba sahaya. Syukur saja kami telah berpisah karena berseteru yang sengit di media sosial.  Tetapi, akhirnya selalu sama saja.
Tak hitung-hitung sudah dua purnama tak tampak wajahnya. Sukma juga tak tahan karena lama tak berjumpa. Dia cantik. Dialah karunia. Dia pelipur lara. Dia kawanku. Dan dia sebaya. Nurani menghujat hebat ego yang rapuh dan menyuruhku meminta maaf. Lalu meminta maaflah aku
.
Aku bertukar pakaian, lalu beranjak dari rumah menuju taman tempat kami pertama kali bertemu. Sudah kuduga, dia disana sambil terduduk di ayunan yang sudah karatan. Durjanya adalah perempuan muda yang tingginya tak wajar dan berbadan agak tambun. Rambutnya legam kebiruan yang menjuntai sepanjang pinggulnya. Warna kulitnya berubah-ubah seakan tergantung cahaya dan rona hati tiap harinya. Paras elok sih iya, tetapi ia lebih pantas dikatakan rancak. Sebab, aku melihatnya lebih seperti karakter kartun dibandingkan perempuan biasa.

Kemudian, duduklah aku di ayunan sebelahnya. Mata keemasannya melotot, udara dihembuskannya kuat-kuat seperti terlalu letih. Air mukanya mendidih, lalu berpalis seperti anak kecil.

“Maafkan aku. Aku yang salah” pintaku.

“Iya! Kau yang salah!” cetusnya dengan galak. “Apa-apaaan kau dua bulan tidak berkabar, hah?!”

“Kau sih, pakai bertanya soal tugas kuliah. Ya jelas aku pilih tugas lah.” Jelasku. Walau aku mengerti baik betapa tak akan didengarnya itu.

“Dungu kau! Senang itu perlu! Tak usah berlagak belajar melulu, kau juga manusia!” Dia menyalak. 

“Sudah begitu sambil minta putus, lah!”

“Maaf, zur. Habisnya, kau sangat kekanakan” Jawabku lagi. Azura, itu namanya.

“Kekanakan? Kau tuh yang suka sok. Jangan dewasa sebelum waktunya. Alam yang menentukan, jangan malah dipercepat” Katanya, dengan nasehatnya yang ngaco. Dia pikir alam belum menentukan setelah sekian lama?

“Tapi jenuh telah memikatku. Ini bukan perkara kau, namun aku” sebutku lagi, mengais-ngais alasan. Walaupun jangka pisahnya kami kalah telak dengan rindu, perpisahan kami tetap keputusan yang logis. Setidaknya aku ingin kami berpisah dengan damai.

“Tega ya kau, beralasan basi serupa itu!” Seketika dia berdiri dari ayunan, lalu mendorongku sampai aku mencium rumput.

“Jangan begitu lah!” Aku protes. Dia pikir dia siapa?

“Aku ini pendukungmu, tak sadar kah kau?!” Ujarnya, seakan menebak pikiranku. “Kau kenapa sih? Tiap kali bertemu, selalu saja melarikan diri. Seperti sapi dikejar jagal saja.”

Aku menghela nafas. Dengan berat hati, jujurlah aku berujar. “Aku malu. Aku malu terlihat denganmu”

Dia terdiam sejenak. Dengan heranlah matanya menatapku, bingung akan perkataanku. Apa ia jujur? Apa ia berdusta? Pikirnya. Kemudian, berpikirlah ia masak-masak, selagi omongku gampang dicerna. Lalu dilihatlah sekelilingnya. Hanya anak-anak belia yang bermain di taman ini. Tak sulit jua jika ia mengerti benar mengapa aku malu. Mendadak, disambarlah lenganku, diangkatlah aku dari tanah dan dipaksalah aku duduk di ayunan tersebut.

“Azura, jangan membuatku tampak bodoh. Aku harus menulis esai, mengerjakan PR, membuat 
presentasi dan-“

“Aih! Diamlah sejenak. Menurutlah padaku!” Tangannya menutup mulutku dengan paksanya.  “Tenang, dan jangan khawatir.”

Begitulah kata-kata ajaibnya acap kali aku resah hatinya. Lalu menurutlah aku padanya, kubuanglah jauh-jauh rasa malu dan kuterimalah apa yang akan dibuatnya. Dengan halusnya, ia mendorong ayunan dengan aku terduduk diatasnya. Kaki terangkat dari tanah dan aku melayang beberapa detik membelah udara. Mungkin ia benar sedikit. Ataupun benar sekali. Mungkin aku terlalu serius beberapa bulan ini. Mungkin aku berusaha terlalu keras untuk menjadi dewasa, sehingga salah mengartikan kedewasaan sebagai ajang anti berseri-seri.

Kalau diingat-ingat sudah lama sekali sejak kami berkawan. Sejak kecil dia selalu tinggal di dekat rumahku, selalu mencariku setiap sore untuk bermain. Pribadinya tak kenal ampun, tak kenal rasa takut ataupun malu. Kali waktu masa SD, aku mengikuti lomba berkisah berjudul Rapunzel, lalu dialah yang menyuruhku berdandan menjadi Rapunzel. “Supaya mendalami karakter” ujarnya. Aku ingat sekali, sebab aku menang hanya karena berhasil membuat penonton tertawa geli melihat anak lelaki dengan polosnya memakai wig dan gaun sambil berimprovisasi. Kali hari masa SMP, aku menaruh hati kepada anaknya ibu kantin sekolah, lalu dialah yang memaksaku untuk maju. Aku sampai harus meminta bunga dari kebun milik tetangga karena seganlah meminta uang ke orangtua.

“Melihat kolam itu, aku jadi terkenang saat kau tercebur di kolam pamanmu karena ingin melihat ikan” Katanya, penuh nostalgia.

“Omong kosong. Bukannya kau yang mendorongku?” Sangkalku sambil tertawa. “Lalu, bukannya membantu, kau malah menceburkan diri!”

Kami tertawa terbahak-bahak mengingat kembali masa kanak-kanak dan masa muda kami. Hilir angin siang berhembus membelai lembut tubuhku yang terayun. Hari yang mendung dibuat hangat oleh kisah kasih kami dari masa lalu. Sudah lama sekali rasanya kami hanya berdua seperti ini.  Seketika, tak perdulilah diriku ditertawakan anak-anak kecil yang bermain di taman. Seketika, aku tersadar betapa sepinya dua bulan berlalu tanpa Azura.

 “Sudah sore, lekaslah kita pulang” saranku. Diluar dugaanku, ia malah tersenyum dan setuju denganku. Jalan pulang kami harus melewati gang kuburan, curiga sudah diriku akan rencananya melewati gang ini.

“Memangnya tak ada jalan lain ya?” sindirku padanya.

Dia tak peduli padaku, malahan berlari kedalam kompleks kuburan dan kepada suatu batu nisan berwarna kelabu. Dengan ukirannya dan nama yang tertera, aku kenal betul kuburan itu. Ayah. Jelas -jelas aku tidak suka kuburan. Aku tidak suka diingatkan akan hal sepedih kematian. Aku memaksanya untuk pergi dari sini, tapi dia malah berdoa. Tapi dia juga benar, sudah lama rasanya aku tak berziarah. Lalu ikutlah aku berdoa sampai selesai.

“Mengapa kau masih tetap denganku, sekalipun aku tak lagi laik buatmu?” Bisikku kepadanya.

“Sebab akulah pengingat bahwa kau telah berhasil melalui banyak cobaan Tuhan” Ujarnya, entah kenapa dia tiba-tiba menjadi dramatis.

Senja itu berlalu dengan kami yang berjalan pulang dari memori yang perih.
***
Aku terkejut.

Dia tak lagi mendengkur di sofa. Dia tak ada di dalam rumah.

Aku panik. Aku tak tahu kemana pula ia pergi. Apa aku harus menunggu dua bulan lagi?
Serentak, aku beranjak keluar rumah lalu mencarinya ke taman lagi. Syukur saja ternyata dugaanku benar. Kali ini dia terduduk di bangku taman sambil menatap keluarga kecil yang sedang piknik. Aku mendekatinya, hampir memarahinya karena membuatku khawatir, tetapi kutahanlah nafsuku. Aku justru duduk disampingnya, mencoba berunding tanpa berselisih.

“Indah ya” ujarnya, suaranya terdengar serius. Padam sudah niatku untuk memarahinya. Seketika nalarku menduga-duga dengan pesimis. Bahwa dia ingin tetap berpisah denganku.

“Iya, riang sekali mereka” Aku mencoba unuk setuju, mata tertuju kepada anak kecil yang berlari dari ibunya yang mengejarnya. Ayahnya hanya tertawa saja.

“Tak bisa seperti itu lagi ya” Nadanya kecewa. “Tampaknya kita tetap harus berpisah”
Akhirnya dia sepakat jua. Namun, ada apa gerangan aku merasa berat hati?

 “Azura?” Aku menguatkan diriku, ia menoleh. “Terima kasih, ya”

Kuulur tanganku untuk menjabatnya, seakan berterima kasih atas pengalaman yang ia berikan. Kugenggam tangan halusnya untuk terakhir kali. Perlahan, ia menarik lenganku lalu memeluk erat diriku, disambung senyum yang pedih. Duka dan air rana tak ada karena aku tak sudi. Tak sudi karena harga diri dan sebab telah berjanji pada diri untuk yang kesekian kali. Daguku bersandar di bahu Azura, wangi lavender dan rambut birunya kian melekat dalam ingatan ini.
Seketika, nampaklah anak tersebut bermain dengan kedua orangtuanya yang lucu. Badan mungil diangkat sang ayah dan gelak tawa bahagia mereka penuh merdu. Lalu sudilah diriku.

“Ah, hapus itu!” Azura melepas pelukannya, lalu mengejekku karena menangis.

“Diam kau!” Balasku sambil tertawa. “Dua dasawarsa, zur. Akhirnya kita putus juga” candaku. Azura tertawa manis.

“Jadikan pelajaran saja. Yang penting kita sudah senang bersama kan?” Tuturnya, nada suaranya tanpa beban.

Kami terdiam sejenak. Aku menatap dia dan mulai berpikir apa ini keputusan yang baik, lalu berpaling dan meyakinkan diriku sendiri supaya konsisten. Azura beranjak dari bangku taman, tersenyum kepadaku dan berkata dengan sepenuh hati.

“Selamat tinggal. Dan selamat jalan.”

Kemudian berlalulah ia menuju sang anak mungil itu. Ia pergi tanpa pikir tentang aku lagi. Menolehpun tidak. Aku ingin dia tak lagi melangkah, aku berdoa agar dia kembali padaku lagi. Tapi tak mungkin. Yang lalu harus sudah berlalu. Begitulah hukum alamnya Tuhan.

Andaikala waktu dapat berhenti tanpa merusak alam semesta dan seluruh dunia diantaranya. Aku akan berpuas diri menghabiskan seharian bersamanya, akan kembali ke hari dimana masalah belum ada. Dimana bahagia sudah terbayar dengan sebungkus telur gulung dan sepuluh butir kelereng. Waktu arti teman adalah anak yang pernah bermain bola bersamaku. Saat Ayah masih memgambil nafas dan sewot jika aku begadang di hari sekolah. Tapi tak bisa. Aku tak bisa menerka-nerka akan masa yang akan datang.

Walaupun berat, dan airmataku telah jatuh, aku akan berusaha semampuku untuk merelakannya. Karena dia cantik. Dialah karunia. Dia pelipur lara. Dia kawanku. Dan dia sebaya.



Dia, wujud insan masa beliaku.

Kamis, 02 Maret 2017

Overnight curls

Due to the fact that I'm shit at posing like a goddamned model, I decided to pose with all my flaws instead. But it's the hair that counts.