Thank you for taking the time for reading this blog.
It has been a pleasure.
I abandoned all of my current lectures to take care of this one fucking subject and still got an average score. I worked day and fucking night, ignoring my family's texts and all else that was going on for this fucking resit I made a priority. I worked on fucking weekends, overdosed on coffee, while all else are going on.
Am I that stupid that my results never equate to my efforts?
Last Tuesday, I ran onto a glass door and hit my forehead hard after frantically slashing my wrist in midst of a nervous breakdown in the library toilet. What the fuck is wrong with me...
So I cycled in major fatigue, a car almost ran me over (not that I minded at that moment), and sucked it all in. But when I got into my room, I was like possessed, I was physically immovable with tears flowing down and I had a dreadful moment of not feeling the presence of my own body. This had happened too when I was still in the dorm, in which I started to hear my inexistent roommate's voice speaking to me a few minutes later and I was scared shitless (the reason why I went to therapy actually). I contacted the crisis chat, it took me three hours for me to actually physically move and being finally aware of my own body. I accidentally told my friend I have a mental condition, but fortunately, he seemed to be very understanding.
The next day, I zapped my brain again. After that, I feel productive and giggly but I could still sense the lowness at the back of my head. One fucking mistake in my perfect, productive schedule, and I'll be back spiralling down again.
I'm fucking scared. Am I that weak to handle the world that I can't even cope with daily hassles without having a mental breakdown?
I fucking hate how my mind works. I fucking hate that this feeling gives me loss of control. I fucking hate myself.
He has cancer
She has cancer
They all have cancer
Everybody has cancer!
She is suicidal
He is also suicidal
They all are suicidal!
Everybody is going to die,
Everyone close to me will die, ahahaha
And so will I.
He said "the morning is such a malaise
And the short day is getting colder.
You have to wear a scarf if you don't want a lung disease
And also thermal undies to avoid infection in your bladder."
I like how he lowkey parents me.
If I ever had a Dutch grandpa in another life, it'd have been him.
And he's gonna die. Shit.
So I failed Test Theory...and I'm not surprised, I'm actually amused. It's one of those "I told you" moments amd I've been giggling at the how true my prediction was. But it's a 5, so I could've had a 6. But when I try to get an 8, I always get a 6. Why is it that I always end up being the worst among the best (getting a 6 and having to take the exam again with my friends get 7s and 9s) but the best among the worst? (Getting a 5 while my friends get 4s and 3s)
Pondering aside, for the past two days my mood has been really good. I'm finally happy and productive again. My sense of humour came back and I can finally laugh genuinely again after such tough months.
However, I have a constant migraine now and my sleep cycle is completely fucked. I've been taking Melatonin many days in a row and I always feel like shit days after, so I'm trying to be off the drug right now and try to sleep naturally. But my mind is inspiring, filled with awesome ideas about countless fictional stories. I feel strangely confident and I feel like I can conquer the world right now hahaha. I socialise more, I learn statistics quickly with my confidant-tutor and I really enjoy my time with my friends. I think I can finally call them friends now.
I know this won't last long. So I will cherish it.
So, after a year abroad, I went back home for the summer holiday and found out that what most people react to first was my body.
Most of my maternal family members congratulated me and asked me what was my "secret". I told them, half-jokingly that it was ramadhan in the middle of summer and cycling everywhere. Despite the jokes, one of my aunt was deadpan serious when she told me I look better this way. Only my grandma was concerned and and with her grandmotherly instinct, she continued to feed me mercilessly. So, grandma, eventhough we constantly have our regina george moments, I love you for even giving a damn hahaha.
And then I came along with my father to Bali to visit two of my bestfriends while my father was away for work. Of course, one thing they particularly noticed and proceeded to point out as constantly as my family did was how skinny I was and how my collarbones were showing. But I kept telling them I was fine and I had been eating without trouble at all. Because the problem was never in my eating.
My bestfriend in highschool was mad at me for being skinny but also praised me for looking 'better'. She was quite concerned that I would continue to lose weight so she proceeded to encourage me to eat. She met me at night after she was finished with her job and I thought, "shit, maybe I also need a job" which shamed me further because I'm still financially dependent on my parents. She bought me snacks and we went to a seafood restaurant while my dad was scared by her driving, but respected her greatly that she tried. I stayed in the car with her after we arrived as my dad went to the room first. And we just talked. How much have I decided to trust this person in such a short time in high school, and yet she is my bestfriend. And I have missed her so much, after a year of no direct contact with her in contrast of daily contact I had with her throughout high school. I realised how much I have taken her presence for granted, and that I might have not been a good friend to her. We then tried to squeeze another meeting into my tight schedule, and we decided that we could meet the morning before I eventually had to leave for Surabaya, which two days after that day.
Two days after, she took me to one of the malls in Bali and, for the first time in a year, I went to Starbucks and we got green tea lattes. And we just talked for hours and I felt time was and had been kind to us. I was glad to hear she was doing well with everything, I did not want to ruin the cheery mood, so I did not tell her much of my struggles. My experience with her taught me to chill and be grateful that I had made it to this point in life, it was a good two-day experience.
I also met one of my bestfriend since junior high in Bali. It had been a long time since we had spent time with each other, and we both started to realise how we had changed. She noted that I vowed to never be on a diet when I was in junior high after seeing her being on a strict diet to lose weight and now I was the skinny one. I emphasized to her that I didn't lose weight deliberately; as in most cases of people on a diet. Back then, I did it to support her and cheer her up, but maybe I meant it that I didn't want to go on a diet. It was not my choice to be skinnier, I skipped meals a lot and I also cycled everywhere, so everything that had happened while I was in the Netherlands contributed to it.
When she picked me up at the hotel I was staying in on a huge sports motorcycle, I thought, "well, some things don't change" and chuckled at myself. Of course, some things do, such as her better-knowledge of makeup as she unravelled her helmet and showed her short hair that was once long. We looked like opposites of ourselves in junior high, as I used to be the one chubbier with short hair. I thought, "wow, it has been that long, I am old". She still had her adventurous side, she took me to a secluded beach in the middle of mountainous Balinese village area and conquered the traffic jam by driving on the pavement with her huge motorbike (we had a mini accident midway, but it was hilarious and worth the memory).
I love that day, it was one of my best get-away day. And when people saw how happy I was, they wouldn't conclude something that is ironically not so far-off from my truth. They would not see a girl that mentally struggled throughout the year to the point that she needed therapy, they would only see a rich girl coming home after studying abroad, being a tourist in her own country. Because that is what is commonly advertised in my society. Put on a happy face and pretends that your burning-down house will not melt the steel and kill you. I think these quotes and "rules" says all:
1.) Privileged people do not have problem. 2.) "How dare they have mental illness when most of us are in poverty! Your problems are not real, it's all in your head!".
3.) "Don't have such a weak mentality because it means you haven't been praying enough!"
Rant aside, when we were at the quiet beach, shits seemed to get serious. I mean, this happened right after we gossiped about a couple that did a pre-wedding photoshoot and stared longingly at a shirtless russian dude. But other than constantly mentioning how skinny I was, she was the one seriously concerned. She asked me whether I like to eat now, and I said yes. She then asked me whether I ate-at all, I said "of course" with a confused look at her. She then whispered to me "but you're not making yourself throw up after it, right?"
And so my eyes rose awoken, surprised tone came out from my mouth as I said a firmly denying "no!"; and to my mind then came a realisation of how far time has taken us for becoming the person we were now. Judging by how ED came to her mind so easily when she was concerned made me notice how much most of us had to endure cruel and demanding experiences in our lives but never got the chance to talk about it. How much shits we had to go through as a path to early adulthood to get into this point now. And my experience with her taught me that everyone struggles with something; sometimes with some really serious shits; on their way to adulthood, giving me a glimpse of hope that I can make it in the future.
But can I actually make it? I'll never know. I guess, for now, I just have to avoid myself for ever yearning for death again.
I am Annie
Today he asks me multiple times if I am alright, fishing for an answer
Noting whether my letter was of a desperate call for help or of a concrete matter
I told him I was not ok, but I currently am.
And there he silently observes me, horrified of what I am
And he promised to help support me with tears forming in his eyes and with voice trembling
He was relieved to see me before him, behind his forced smiling
He is a father, he knows better that the last thing he wants to hear from a daughter is what I have said to him.
And so he knows he can no longer fuse the situation and subtly begs me to stay.
"Don't do it, my dear. Don't do it at all" he says
And so I return his promise with a promise that I will stay.
But then they ask again, "Annie, are you okay?" to me
And I can't even speak because I'm fucking dead already 😂
My close friend is on her way to becoming a researcher with all her life planned out ahead of her. She has a clear vision of what she wants to be, speaks 3 languages, travelled the world and writes so damn well. She's everything I always want to be but can't. She's my age. So age is not an excuse for me.
My bestfriend works hard every midnight to deal with high amount of projects from her art university. I'm studying psychology. Major should not be an excuse for me.
My other friend who is also asian like me is a hardworking genius who prepares for everything and is intimidatingly ambitious. But he's also a sweet guy who's kind to everyone. So culture is not an excuse for me.
My german friends are all hardworkers, searching for internships, moving freely, working overtime in the library every day with so much passion that I'm even ashamed of myself.
One of my friend has a work in airport that pays for his tuition and he's still young. I haven't worked shit in my whole entire goddamn life and I'm ashamed as hell.
My friend who has a mental illness is travelling the world, have many experiences of volunteering, speaking multiple languages and succeeds in her own way. So bad mental health is not an excuse for me.
My senior who has the same belief as I do worked hard, participated in every event, took every chance, danced two choreographies and played the angklung during the cultural event, did not go home for 2 years and still kept his shit together. So being religious and missing home is not an excuse for me.
I ain't done shit in my 19 years of life. I'm fucking aimless and I hate myself.
Every day that I am awake not feeling fatigued
Every moment that I indulge in streams of laughter
Every hour that concerns are no more after me
Every second of a felt cheer and content with how I am
And found myself still taking breaths
And found myself living my life as I am
And found my eyes widely awaken with a smile forming upon my lips
Are my small victories against my lifelong disease
And I shall cherish it. For the battle is lifelong and I am a fighter. Eventually I win because I have chosen to live.
And I may never die a saint
But I will take my chance to live as a good man.
*"man" as in "human race"
Siapa gadis berselendang putih itu?
Yang berpapar seri dan berkalung rangkaian melati
Yang cahayanya meredup dan tersedu-sedu
Menghitam disinar sabit yang sirna setelah matahari
Nyawa untuk nyawa, ujar mereka
Sang kuasa kami bela, ujar tuan tanah
Penguasa cukup berkuasa, ujarnya
Apadaya kau berpantang amanah?
Kakinya melayang berpapasan dengan surau tua
Tampaknya adalah api dari gereja tetangga
Dan kuil-kuil yang tanah-rata, porak-poranda
Terserak penggalan filsuf dan penggalan berhala
Wahai saudara sedarah
Tak berpeluhkah kau marah?