I am a privileged young woman.
I have lived in comfort most of life in which I always get more than I deserve
But what comforts me was not wealth, nor residing under a waterproof roof,
Nor being driven across the city in a red Mazda 2, nor to have enough balance to purchase something I long for.
It's family. And I have taken myself 12000 km away from my own comforts
I am mad enough to leave my lifelong comfort in trade for such uncertainty, blinded by naive dreams of becoming a researcher.
I am mad enough to leave my most cherished thing in life for such glorified hardship, unaware of how far can it changes me
However, this hardship is not a hardship. For I am a privileged young woman.
And I don't deserve to feel sad. I am not entitled to make complaints.
I do not recognise what hardship is, thus how can I say more about it?
I was raised as a studious Swann in a controlled environment,
Now thrown into a cage of wolves that this world is always like
I am too soft to be living, too fragile to be assertive
Too spoiled in an independent world, disgustingly mellow and dependent
I have been low for 5 months and my failures are not helping me.
I am a shame, a disgrace, worth nothing more than a token 18-year old Indonesian
What I've been feeling is vividly real and yet my problems are not.
I have a cowardly mentality
I have a weakened will
Everyone else has it worse than I do
I am not trying hard enough
I am one ungrateful bitch
It's all in my head